World Cup: Out of Context

“All we’re seeing are preliminary skirmishes in a very long battle… “ So begins the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

We are very much enjoying watching the World Cup this summer. For the first two weeks it was like being on vacation. Nothing gets done around the house, we don’t listen to the news and we ignore the phone (OK, maybe not that last thing, except when there is actually a game on.) Since we no longer have Cable TV, we’ve been watching the games on the Spanish Channels, Univision and Telefutura. For a while we had ESPN3.com providing English commentary in the back ground, until they remembered they were supposed to be restricting the feed and shut it down. Now it’s ESPN Radio, when the local station deigns to put it on instead of their bass fishing special…

Watching the World Cup is almost as much fun for the commentary as the game itself. This Cup, ESPN has recruited a large and varied contingent of English soccer commentators to help fill in for a US sports corps distinctly lacking in soccer expertise. Although why J.P Dellacamera, arguably ESPN’s best and most knowledgeable soccer play-by-play man, was relegated to the ESPN Radio is still baffling. The English commentators have brought with them their own special terminology for the game. Be they snarky remarks, things that, even though we share a common language, make your brain hurt trying to figure out what they just said, or things that, taken out of context are just way too funny..…

As JP Dellacamera said, “Our seatbelts are securely fastened.” Sit back and enjoy the ride…


"Those who aren't interested in football are, of course, welcome to keep working," Stephan Schwarz, head of GRG Services. (Germany)

"It was a masterpiece, if you like fake Rembrandts." Jurgen Klinsmann of Luis Fabiano’s two-handed goal against Ivory Coast.

“I apparently understand the rules of football so well that I know when two Slovenians mug an American, the American gets called for a foul.” Andy Roddick, U.S. Tennis

Dempsey’s playing Greco Roman style…

“A threesome is hard to come by.” Martin Tyler     Isn’t that the story of everybody’s life.

“You just feel like death, you don’t actually die… we get these letters, you see…” Ian Darke explaining the meaning of “Group of Death”

“That’s the only way to slow them down, to stop them by kicking them.” John Harkes

"I shouldn't laugh... there's another bash in the face in case he was needing one." Ally McCoist

“Three points aren’t going to do [the Ivory Coast] any good on the field, they need another touchdown.” JP Dellacamera

"It's a Swiss defense that is tighter than a taxman's wallet." Martin Tyler

“We just wonder if this coffee growing country can give the world a shot of espresso.” Martin Tyler at the start of the Ivory Coast’s last game.

“I think some one slipped an Ambien into his Gatorade at half time.” Glenn Davis

"You begin to understand the game when the legs go. It's a cruelty of life."

"I still prefer women. I am dating Veronica, who is blonde and 31 years old." Diego Maradona after he hugged all of his player before the start of the first game.

"Their skin-tight shirts, replete with nipple-enhancing technology, will be clinging to beer bellies from Glasgow to the Isle of Skye." Roger Bennett (ESPN blog)

“He’s a Mexican Payton Manning…” “A Mexican Who?” The Mexican goalie, Memo Ochoa, who was featured in ads for Powerade, Allstate and several other corporations… but didn’t play in any games….

“I’m looking forward to the injection on Friday.” Tim Howard after suffering a severe rib bruise in the U.S.’s First game.

“Stay out of the net Donovan, put the ball in instead…” Tommy Smyth He did, Tommy, he did.

“It’s Day 9 of the Vuvuzela hangover we all have…” Mike Tirico

The Danish “Van”-guard: van der Wiel, Van Brommel, Van Brockhorst, Van Persie and van der Vaart

“He’s got a left foot you can open a can of soup with…” Derek Rea

“There could be a few drunk Vikings tonight” Efan Ekoku

“Beating England [in 1950] is not winning the World Cup.”

“We just wonder if this coffee growing country can give the world a shot of espresso.” Martin Tyler

Once again, we wonder who's writing coach Bob Bradley's halftime speeches -- Mel Gibson in "Braveheart"? Gene Hackman in "Hoosiers"? John Belushi in "Animal House"? David Hirshey

And last but not least...

"We don't want our people to be preoccupied with seminude, crazy men jumping up and down who are chasing an inflated object," said Sheik Mohamed Osman Arus, head of operations for the Hizbul Islam insurgent group. (Somalia)